Nine years and I can still clearly hear the sound of Logan yelling, “call 911.” Nine years and I remember the name of the receptionist at the gym we were working out in, a man I never spoke a word to.

I feel like telling the world I miss you and telling you I want you to go away. You consume my emotions when I hear Johnny Cash, see a father playing with his children, or walk by moon pies at the gas station. Why do you bring so much pain after all these years of living without your laugh.

For a long time I thought about the ‘what ifs;’ what if I had not been scared to ask for help, what if you had stopped five minutes earlier, what if we had just not gone that week… I know you would be gone either way, but it hurts to think I was doing my geometry work while you left me alone.

Nine years and life is very different from where we were. It is sad to think I am happier now than I was then. How can I be happier without you? It rattled me for a long time how much easier life could be while I was going through the worst of it. I mean, how can there be so much good in the immense pain and sorrow, laughter in the streams of tears, or quiet peace after a panic attack. None of it seems right when I think of you.

Sometimes, I am still angry you did not say goodbye, but then maybe you have.

When I am with family, I love talking about you. Good, bad, funny, and sad stories are shared, and we smile and think of you with love. But alone, thinking of you is sad. It is just the pain, just loss, just the ‘what could have been’s. Alone, I don’t want to remember you.

Visiting you is weird… I get no comfort, yet I go nearly every week. I often stop by feeling guilty I did not want to see your grave again, and yet other times, I feel like escaping to see you. Sometimes I talk to you and sometimes I just leave flowers.

Nine years of missing you, not being able to see, hear, or feel you. You missed a lot of birthdays, sacraments, graduations, holidays, and wrestling matches.

I miss you!

J.M.J.